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Today is another day….

April 2, 2010

and His mercies are new. Thank goodness! If I didn’t get a do-over with God every day, I’d be in such trouble! I just wish there were do-overs daily in my earthly life. What would I do differently if I knew then what I know now? Probably have responded to the Ogre’s compliment instead of ignoring him. Probably not have had the discussion with my mini-ogre and involved him in my swampiness. Probably gotten more motivated and cleaned up the swamp a bit more. But that was yesterday, and I can’t change it. I can only go forward and make today a better day.

Woke up before the alarm and I know that it’s God’s way of wanting to spend time with me, so I talked to Him for a while. It starts my days off in a much better frame of mind. Some people say that it’s the evil one who interrupts their sleep, but I find that’s when I do my best communicating with God, so if it IS the evil one, he’s lost that battle!

Spoke to the Ogre this morning, so that was new. He had breakfast with a friend who is a Christian and is concerned about our marriage. No idea how that went as yet, maybe I’ll find out when the Ogre comes home for lunch.

Took the littlest ogre to her tennis lesson this morning. She says this is her last session because “it’s too hot.” Life in the south. She plans to take it up again in September. Guess what? It’ll still be hot, but with humidity then!! Think I’ll just let her figure that one out. She is waiting for my middle brother to come pick her up. We haven’t seen him for over a year, even though he’s only 3 hours away. He is taking her to lunch and a movie (even though it’s his 35th birthday), then up to my parents’. I think he’s heading home Sunday, but little ogre will stay until Thursday, then I’ve got to figure out how to get her back home.

Since I will be short one ogre for 6 days, I imagine there will be conversations with the Ogre this week about our relationship. What do I want? Last time he asked me that question, I told him I wanted a divorce. But after three weeks of reflecting, praying & reading Love & War (John & Stasi Eldredge), I know that’s not God’s plan for me. Now, how to tell the Ogre? I have such an issue with pride and protecting my own heart that it’s difficult for me to be vulnerable. Especially since I feel like I get kicked each time I make an effort. I am praying that God will cover me with His mercies and grace and that I will be able to have at least one meaningful conversation with the Ogre this week. I miss sleeping in my bed. I’m tired of sleeping in the top bunk in the mini-ogre’s room. I love her, I love her, but I’d like my own space back.

I had been having thoughts that I shouldn’t have – that aren’t pleasing to God, and I’ve bound those thoughts and haven’t had the same issues. It really works if you remember to bind up those things that interfere with God’s plan. I try to remember to think on things that are good and true and holy. Don’t let my thoughts slide into a pit (thank you, Beth Moore!). Look up. Pray. Read my Bible. Meditate on scripture.

Found out the Ogre wants me to go back to work full-time and put the mini-ogre back in public school. Didn’t find out from him, but another person told me. Makes me mad. I don’t want to support this family – that’s HIS job. Is that unreasonable? Who will take the kids to the doctor and dentist? Who stays home when she’s sick? Am I supposed to work all day, then come home and cook & do laundry? How’s that supposed to work? I know, I know, there are thousands of moms who do just that. But if it’s not a necessity – if your own Ogre just needs to get motivated – why would you if that’s not what you want to do? Yes, financially we’re in the toilet. Would it be helpful for me to work full time? Yes, absolutely. But if I do work full time (working part-time now), is that going to motivate the Ogre to finish school and get a job that he’s training for and try to ensure he gets 39.9999 hours at his current job? Or is that going to tacitly give him permission to be a slacker again?

I took care of the bills for 17 years. When the Ogre lost his job last year, I put that on him. I figure he needs to know how to do it anyway. What if I got hit by a bus and he had no idea where we stand financially? How long do I walk him through how to do the bills? Not long, I’m telling you! It’s sink or swim, baby! I taught myself how and feel that everyone is capable of doing whatever it takes to get through. I don’t ask for spoon-feeding and don’t care to spoon-feed others. Just shut up and get the job done!

Am I bitter? You bet. Do I want to stay this way? Not a chance. I want, I suppose, for everything to work out like you see on TV. I know that’s not reality, but it’s a nice aspiration, don’t you think?

So I’m starting again today. New day, new attitude (I hope). Need to dump my expectations and go with the flow.

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